she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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