Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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