i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
