I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
