I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
