my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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