having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
