What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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