Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
