I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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