i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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