so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
