How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
