Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
