note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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