Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
