see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
