Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
