i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
