im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
