Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
