I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
