Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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