he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
