We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
