Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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