My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
