Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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