he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
