Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
