Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
