can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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