I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
