FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
