I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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