genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
