having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
