meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So vagazzling was a success
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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