I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
