She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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