when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
