Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
