I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
