Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
