I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
