After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
