hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
