Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
