"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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