What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
